Thursday, August 24, 2006

The knowing of not knowing

So yes I've done tons of organizing and purging of things around my home and it feels so much better despite much more cleaning and organizing to be done. When will it get done? I don't know... and that's o.k. Just moving forward has helped me be o.k. with the here and now.

That is what I want to talk about tonight -- the knowing of not knowing. The certainty of uncertainty.

I realize that back before I turned 30 (so very long ago), I stressed and worried about the impending change of age for months. Finally even before the date arrived on paper I found myself unusually calm and even excited about the prospects of my life as a 30-something rather than a 20-something. At least one friend did not believe my assurances but I knew in my heart of hearts that I was onto something. I wasn't sure what was to come but whatever it was - I was ready and waiting but most importantly - not worried.

Around the same time on a cross-country flight I remember thinking to myself "If I die today, I'm happy. I have no regrets." For once in my life I was at peace, not stressed or worried. It felt wonderful.

Do I still have that sense of peace from so long ago. Nope. Am I seeing glimpses again now that I'm meditating regularly and trying to be present in the here and now. Yup.

Flash forward to this past week and my having a conversation with my kids about where did Grandpa go when he died. I did my best to explain to them that some folks believe when you die, that's it. You go nowhere. Others believe you come back as something - say a dog or another person or even a fly. Some believe you go to heaven. I explained that I hope there's a heaven or at least a place of peace and happiness where one goes because I would like that for my father and for others as well. I explained that I would like to get to speak to or be contacted by my father again. They seemed to understand and pondered. I think we then moved on to play dough.

Whenever I think about my father lately, I am both sad and happy. I want so much to be able to feel his presence, know his opinions and share his sense of humor again -- feel that hug. I at once feel tears welling up in my eyes and joy building up in my heart. It is as if the knowing of unknowing, the certainty of uncertainty has found me and my heart again. I don't know where my Dad or his soul may be but wherever they are - part of Dad is with me and that's o.k.

Love Ya Pop. Goodnight and good luck - wherever you are.
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